Yea it's been awhile, like too long. Not as long as it has been before but long.
I know I am suppose to tell you about Essure and I will, but this post is not about Essure.
This post is about depression. No one likes that word. In fact it has started many arguments. People either understand or don't. Honestly you either get it or you don't. You can't kind of understand depression. Only when you've been in that deep dark hole that depression can suck you into, you never really "kind of get it." It's something I would never wish I anyone. I don't care how mean you've been to me, ect.
It's a disease. And it kills people every single day. People with depression have to wake up and make that choice to be happy. And they have to continue to make that decision through out their entire day. In fact for me, if I'm sort of happy and I haven't cried that day or had some sort of a break or shut down, it's a win. A hard win, but I'll take it. Because I've been worse. Far worse.
I know a lot of people have posted about this lately due to Robin Williams unfortunate death. It hit me harder than I ever expected it to. I dunno I guess it just goes to show you, that maybe some of the happiest people you know, the people you think who have everything, really aren't that happy and don't feel they have everything. In fact they feel terrible on the inside, but they don't want to let you know. It's often the people who want to make everyone else happy that suffer with their own happiness.
For awhile only my closest friends and family knew of my depression. I hid it well. I put a "mask" on so to speak for everyone else. Make them smile. Smile myself to put on that show of "everything is great!" And when people actually learned I suffered from depression I always heard "Wow, you're the last person I'd ever suspect that would have depression." And at first I believed that too. As my disease progressed and got worse (even suffered from postpartum depression with every one of my kids and with each child it got worse.) and as I got to know others who suffered as well I noticed, that it's not a disease that shows itself readily to everyone. And the person or people who suffer from it don't really want to show it to others and it is always the ones you "never suspected."
Why? Well just look at the death of Robin Williams. He died because of a disease. And names of "selfish, coward ect" are being thrown at him. And really there is nothing selfish about it, not to the person who is that depressed. We often get it stuck in our heads that everyone will be better off with out us and that WE are doing a favor to everyone. Of course we aren't, but non the less that is, at that very time, in that deep dark place of feeling so alone, we really do believe that. And really, a coward can't ultimately do it.
And as I have read the harsh words from people I've just sat here and thought "You do not know depression do you? You obviously don't because your words alone that you are deciding to use against people literally can cause someone who is depressed and teetering on that line of step back and you are ok to just a slight step over the cliff and off I go." And then, I feel sorry for those people. Sorry that they cannot have more compassion and pick wiser words. Instead harsh comments and negative is all they lash back with.
And that, that is why people with depression do not want to tell anyone. Part of it is we don't want to be that burden on anyone (I know this all too well and it hits close to home) and we don't want people to reject us when we reach our hand up for help to pull us back up over that cliff and be there to say "It's ok, we will get you through this." If you are spewing harsh and mean words, how could you believe anyone would want to reach out, to you OR anyone to get help. You can't. And so depression is often put together with feelings of shame. Feelings of we are just crazy, we can snap out of this at anytime. We are just playing victims.
I wish I could just "snap out of it." I wish I could say all I was doing was dramatically playing the victim. I really wish there was an easy button to push to make it all go away. But there isn't. It often requires medication, self reflection, self work, therapy ect. And that just might keep one from going over that dark edge.
Depression is an every single day, hour, minute and second fight with in yourself. We "might" get breaks from it, but we know it's sitting there in the corner, waiting for us to come back. Waiting to swallow us in the darkness so that it may watch us struggle as we try to go towards that bright, positive light.
In the last few years I've learned to not be afraid to let others know that I suffer from depression. I have no been afraid to literally defend others with depression to those that have such harsh words and seem to know just how those with depression can just snap out of it or get over it. I may come across as a bitch when I do so, but it's because I'm passionate about it. And I'll be damned if I sit there and let another human being shame someone like people shame those with depression.
I have my good days and I have days where I would like nothing more than to hide in my room. I have days where no one or nothing can get me down. And I have days where one word, or one rude person can break me into a million pieces. I am human, we all are and we all make mistakes. It's how we react to those mistakes that tells others what kind of a person you truly are. And sadly, many choose to still walk away after making mistakes as if they have done nothing wrong.
As someone who suffers from this terrible disease, I say to you, those that also suffer, you are not alone. You are not fighting this battle alone although it may seem you are. I know how you feel and I truly wish I could make it go away. But I can't,and it will stay in our faces. So don't be ashamed to ask for help. Don't listen to others as they put you down. Remember those that put you down, often do so because they don't like who they are, or, are threatened by who YOU are.
Please if you need help, don't hesitate to ask anyone around you. Call your doctor, call a friend, call a family member or get a hold of the National Suicide Prevention life line as seen below:
You are never alone in this....seek help because you have a reason to see the next day....
-The Gaffney Family
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