Saturday, November 7, 2015

Happy 10th Annivesary Matthew!


 
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Matt,

On October 25, 2014 if someone would have said "This will be your wedding anniversary. A year from now, you will get married!"  I would have looked at them like they were crazy. I was going through a very rough time and just trying to get through life day by day.
But December 24, 2014, after months of your mom talking about you, you walked into Sears in Chehalis, Washington.  Candice said you were there and after her talking so much about you, I felt like I already knew you, that I probably should actually "meet" you.  Your mom brought you over, a clothes rack had just collapsed and said "Kristin this is my oldest Matthew, Matthew this is Kristin. Now help her clean up the clothes." (Feisty woman she is. lol) We made small talk. You said your mom had worked at Sears for 5 years and I corrected you and said it had actually been 9 years. Ha!  You seemed like a nice guy, you were good looking and with what your mom had said about you, seemed life a great guy all around.  I already knew you were single. (Although I didn't understand why!) I stuck around after work for an extra 10-15minutes to chat with you and your family. In my mind I was giving you time to ask me out, sees how I am old fashioned. You never did and I was late for my families Christmas party, so we said our good byes and I left.
Here is the funniest part of it yet. On December 26th, I went into Sears to get some more work clothes. Your mom is the only person I've ever seen slide across a floor in sneakers. She was SO excited to see me. Out of breath she asked if I was single. I said I was. She then let me know you had asked about me. So for a few minutes we plotted about how I was to bring her home from work and see you. Come to find out you were at a friends house. So she called you. You tried to tell her that you would come down to see me, but instead she threw the phone at me and we had no choice but to talk. You asked me out and that night we had our first date.  To this day, I try to remind you that there is no shame in having your mother talk you up and ask me out for you. I get it, you were shy, I was hot and intimidating, it's ok. LOL All joking aside, I never knew that, that would be the first day of the rest of our lives together!
Neither one of us had any idea what life had in store for us and we had no clue what bumpy ride we had to endure.  Probably more so you had no clue what you were getting into. But here we are, 10 years married later and you're still here.
I have to say that you are as close to the perfect husband as one can get. Can you be a knuckle head? Can you get on my nerves? Sure! But I know I do the same to you, if not worse.
You have stuck with through some of my toughest days. Me dealing with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD make me right away, not a fairy tale person to live with, let alone marry and stay with. But you took your vows, "in sickness and in health, till death do we part," seriously.   When I wanted and tried to give up on life, you wouldn't let me. No matter how much I push you away during those dark times, you never go away. When I can no longer fight for myself, you fight for both of us.  When I get out of control in crazy bitch mode, you are gentle enough to let me know I am out of line, but when I am right, you are there to back me up and to help me stand my ground. When life knocks me down, you are right there to pick me back up. When I cry, you hold me, when I laugh, you laugh with me (unless when I trip over something, you laugh and then help me up to my feet. haha), when I need help, you help me, when I get frustrated, you help me understand and when I get so angry I go past being compassionate, you bring me back down and to see things from the other side.
I'm not sure how I've kept you around after all of that. Or why you have stayed. In today's world, just a sliver of what someone had in store with me, they would have ran away, as fast as they could. And yet, you stayed and pretty much said, "Bring it on."  But you love me for ME. You don't try and change me. You try and make me want to be a better person.  You supported me in all of my adventures, even if you knew the end result. You support me, because you want me happy. You do everything and anything you can to try and make me happy.  Any crazy idea's I come up with, you are behind me (even if you are rolling your eyes thinking "Oh boy, here she goes again!"). You have put up with my passion for animals, from taking in animals, bringing every stray home to being a foster home for animals.  Although you say you can't stand animals, I have pictures to prove otherwise. You secretly love them and each animal we've had in this house has loved you!
Just two months into our relationship, I had a surgery and was told I may never have kids. I was SO afraid to tell you. I knew having kids was important to both of us, so I was sure you would cut your loses and move on. But you didn't. Instead you said, no matter what or how, we will have kids. I wanted 8, you wanted 2. Some how we compromised at 4 (even if the last one showed up on his own. haha). 
You survived 4, yes FOUR pregnancies with me. Not once complaining. You always told me I was beautiful, showed me I was beautiful and made me feel beautiful, even when I was as big as a house.  You were there each time during birth to hold my hand and get me through it all. Even with the first when I said I never wanted you touching me again. You  were there to support me during my very difficult time after birth with PPD.  You may not understood it (or depression alone), but you knew that I needed someone there, and you were that person, my rock.  You dealt with my emotional outburst at how I'd never be pregnant again for the first time, sad when I couldn't breastfeed anymore and would cry terribly when I fed the kids their last bottle of breast milk and you have been there when I look at our four amazing children and think, my pregnancy stage of life is over, my kids are growing and we are going into a new stage of our lives, I still to this day cry over the loss of my kids being babies. No matter how many times I cry about it, every time, you are there to hold me and listen to me babble over and over again. You have been there though out it all with our children.
During times where you were scared for me, even though deep down inside I KNEW you were hurt, freaking out, worried ect, on the outside you kept calm and stayed strong.  I'm not sure many people can pull that off. But you did, you stayed strong for me, for both of us. 
October 25th, 2015, married for ten years.  For ten years you have stuck with me, put up with me and my "adventures" and some how still love me just as much if not more since the first day we met.
I cannot say how lucky of a woman I am, that you came into my life. I cannot say how lucky I am that you have stuck by my side, never once giving up on me.  Some how you love me still and still think I am the most gorgeous and sexiest woman in the world.  I love you today, more than the day I met you and I know that, that love will just continue to grow.  You have been my best friend, my lover, my rock, the love of my life, you have been and continue to be my everything.  I can honestly say, that with out you, I would not be here today.
Matthew, I am honored to be your wife, to be Mrs. Matthew Lee Gaffney. I feel so blessed to be the mother to your four children. And I am so lucky to have all of you.  It's been a up and down ten years, but I would not trade it for anything. I love you! I cannot wait to see what the next ten years has in store for us!

Love Your Wife,
Kristin Gaffney













Sunday, August 2, 2015

What does depression look like?

What does depression look like?

Can you tell by looking at me that I suffer from extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks? Can you tell that every morning it's a struggle to get out of bed and to start my day? Can you tell that I hate looking in the mirror at myself because I have nothing nice to say about myself because of my depression? Can you tell that it's a daily struggle for me to fight depression and to keep going and that while it exhausts me every night, it also keeps me awake at night? Can you tell that it makes it to where I hide in the bathroom at least once a day to cry so my kids don't see me go through this? Can you tell that because of depression, I sometimes feel that everyone, life ect would be better with out me and that suicide does cross my mind? Talking to me, can you tell that while I smile and laugh, inside I feel like I'm dying? When you tell me to just get over it or to just stop thinking about negative things, that I do try every second, minute, hour of the day, every day to do just that? Is it obvious that while deep down inside I am sad, I really do try to be happy and that is all I want but it isn't that easy to do? Do you see the person inside me screaming for help while we catch up about our lives? While I am seem to be a confident and strong person, can you see inside that I'm feeling insecure and broken? You think I am super woman. But did you know that I keep myself busy so my thoughts can't hurt me? I am quiet and you think I'm tired, but did you know that is when my depression is winning and it's all I can do to be present in that moment? When you see photos of me smiling with my children, that inside I think I am not good enough for my children, that I don't' deserve them and that I can't even do the job of being a mom right? People see me as a night owl, but did you know it's because my mind won't shut down and I'm afraid to sleep because of the nightmares I have? When you see me laugh and run around happy, do you know that I've attempted suicide more than once?

I am what depression looks like.


I look like a normal, happy, confident, positive, can take on anything, do it all, mom of the year person, right? Things aren't what they seem. I really do want to be that normal, happy, confident, positive, can take on anything, do it all, mom of the year person. Yet one thing makes me feel the opposite of all of that. Depression.

Depression consumes my life. It makes life that much harder for me to deal with. I wake up sad. Why? Because I know the struggle and fight I have ahead of me, and it's all I can do to just put one foot on the floor. I have to face the mirror in the bathroom. It's hard to look at myself. It's hard for me to look at myself and think "You are enough. Today will be a good day." No, depression says "You don't deserve to be here. I'll make today as miserable as possible." All day I battle depression and the thoughts that it has my mind consume. There are some days that I only am exhausted by the end of the night, but some days I wake up already exhausted and it's all I can do to survive the day. It can take one small thing going wrong, or just too many bad thoughts to make me break down and cry and run to the bathroom to hide. Depression is a bitch. I have everything to live for, but depression constantly tells me I don't, tells me I am better off, and so is everyone else with out me. It's not true, but depression is persistent and won't give up, until you do feel like that. You see a happy and smiling woman, but inside I'm a small child that just wants to die. Telling me to just get over it hurts so much. You don't see the daily battle I have and that all I want to do is to "just get over it." And I constantly try to do just that. I just want to have some moments of happiness. That's what I want to be, happy. I don't want to battle these terrible thoughts every day. Everyone sees someone who just enjoys life and smiles. But did you know that I've just gotten that good at wearing that mask to make others think everything is fine? I come off as this confident and strong person. But really, I am not confident. I'm insecure. I am afraid that everyone hates me. That everyone is making fun of me. While I am being strong for everyone else, when I am alone I cry and cry and it physically hurts to try and "be strong." I am always busy doing something. Everyone thinks "wow you are superwoman!" No one knows that I do that so that my thoughts don't take over. While being busy can overwhelm me, it also keeps me from hearing and listening to my own thoughts. You ask me, "Are you ok? You are being awful quiet." I respond with, "Oh yes, I am just tired that is all." And you believe me. I'm not lying, I am tired. But I am feeling defeated, and the depression is winning and I am just trying to look ok and follow what is going on around me. Everyone sees me with my children and thinks "Wow she is a great mom!" I wish I thought that of myself. Instead, depression makes me second guess everything. It makes me think that I did not deserve to have four wonderful children. It makes me think I am not doing anything right being a mom and I am just screwing up my children. I stay up late and people chalk it up to me just being a night owl. But that's not true. I am afraid to sleep. Sleep brings nightmares that make me wake up in a sweat and breathing hard and feeling scared. I'm not a night owl, I don't want to face those nightmares. I carry myself as if life is great. I am as happy as anyone can get. But no one knows that while I show happiness, inside I'm sad and dying and eventually, depression wins and I think that death will heal it all.

Depression tries to take control of your life every moment you are alive. You can't see me fighting this most times. It's because it is all happening inside of me. It's because I've gotten really good at wearing that mask that portrays that life for me is great. It exhausts me. I could sit down all day and still be exhausted at night because I've been internally fighting my depression. All I want to do is to get over it. To just tell it to go away and that it is not welcomed. But it is just not that easy. And I wish others understood that. But I don't think you can understand it, unless you've suffered with depression on some degree.

I sit here and write this, not looking for sympathy, attention or anything of the sorts. I write, in hopes that it helps others understand this disease and to let others that suffer with depression to know that they are not alone. Depression sucks and it's a bitch. It's not easy to deal with it. But I encourage those that are having a difficult time with your depression, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Don't be ashamed. Trust me, people care and want to help you.

Depression can be overcome. But it isn't easy, but worth it....

Again, just looking at my photo, can you tell I suffer from depression?

Here is a website for help:
http://www.healthline.com/h…/depression/help-for-depression…
‪#‎depression‬

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

I suck, I know.

Yes I know once again I have failed to update this on a regular basis. So lets play catch up with a few new posts! 

Here is our Halloween 2014 with our good friends the Gabbards!























Getting around 8 kids was not a small task, but we managed to do it. Everyone really enjoyed trick or treating!  The looks we got when we got to some of the front doors. "Are these all yours?" Ha! ;) But both families are use to hearing that. 

-The Gaffney and Gabbard Family


Friday, September 26, 2014

Gaffney Kid's photo shoot!

 So I was brave and did a quick photo shoot of my kids. I had wanted to do this way earlier in the summer, BUT with all of my health problems that did not happen. So here we go!  I did pretty good with have four kids ages: 8, 6, 4 and 2!

Lilly, Ben, Emma and JJ!



This is my favorite one!  Describes my youngest two!  JJ tries to take off and Emma reigns him in! lol




Ben's photos!






JJ's photos!



 


Ben and JJ together!


 
 Lilly's photos!



 Emma's photos!



 Lilly and Emma's photos!



And JJ decided to get in Emma's photos! lol

It took a lot of silly faces to get the giggles and smiles and I got at least a decent shot with the dog in there!  Kids did great!

-The Gaffney Family